Y-h-v-h is kineged the 4 worlds, which the beis ahron writes (shabos shuva) is kineged maaseh, dibur, machshava and reusah delibah.

Hashem helped me through a lot of pain (ashrei hagever…) that a switch finally clicked in my mind and for the first time in my life I realized that yiras shamayim means yegiyah, and yegiyah means doing certain things no matter what, no matter how we feel, etc. and that is what is meant by kol hamekabel alav ol malchus shamayaim maavirim mimenu ol derech eretz, and He showed me the pshat in the difference between hitting the rock and speaking to the rock, etc… and finally Hashem in His great and infinite mercy, having waited so many years with such amazing patience, taught me that Yiddishkeit isn’t a “feel good” religion, but a religion of deed. Sechel tov lechol oseihem, that is reishis chachma yiras hashem. Oisehem. Only by doing, maaseh, emunah, doing against our will, giving up our will, not wanting anything for ourselves, only then can Hashem shine His beautiful light into our souls. And He wants so much to be meitiv, but it’s only when we understand this secret that we can uncover the masach that blocks Hashem’s light.

Finally I understand how to serve Hashem. That I know NOTHING and have no way of EVER knowing how to serve Him.

Finally I have knowledge! I know that I know NOTHING.

Finally I have riches. I know that I have NOTHING.

Finally Hashem is controlling my life because I know I can’t do a THING without His help.

Finally I am getting chiyus in ruchniyus, because I am willing to work sometimes without chiyus.

We need to give it all away to get it back. We need to be ready to die in order to live.

Today during Hallel, where it says, lo hameisim yehalelu kah, I thought of this pshat: tzadikim bemisasam keruyim chayim means that tzadikim are meimis themselves - and therefore they are really alive! And reshayim, who think they are alive are really dead! Yakar be’einei hashem hamavsa lachasidav. The smell of death on the vial of life - this is the way Hashem has hidden the light from the reshayim. Reshayim meaning those who want for themselves. They can’t find this light. Only those who are willing to work without feeling start to feel… And this is a constant work, each morning our minds are closed and we forget all the chiyus we had the day before. We must forget so we can work again… and every second we can choose between what feels good now or what Hashem wants, so we give away our ratzon to Him… Hashem wants so much to be meitiv to us. He is begging us, choose life! Hashem begs, understand this secret my children, so I can finally give you what I created you for!

And yes, we will be tested… and yes, the tests can be hard and sometimes we will fail… We humans can’t last long without chiyus. And that is why there’s sleep each night, and shabbos each week… we can’t last long in a state of constant avodah, we need rest to be able to continue the work… Perhaps that is what is meant by Hashem doesn't give us a nisayon we can't withstand, in other words, He knows just the amount of yegiyah each person can do, and for how long, before he needs chiyus or rest before continuing... But ultimately it is only through the willingness to not WANT chiyus that it comes. How strange and wondrous are Hashem’s ways!

As the beis aharon says on the words, berash gadol misnasim, we throw away the chiyus through yegiya… because only then can Hashem’s light shine through.

Maaseh - Avodah zu teffilah, gibor ka’ari to get up early

Dibur - Torah, hakol kol yaakov, oz kanamer, Hashem oz le’amo yiten

Machashava - Shmiras einayim, kal kanesher - lo sasuru acharei levavchem veacharei eineichem, first levavchem, because a person sees what he WANTS to see. Purify the machshava to not WANT to see, and then you won’t see. And the same the other way around, don’t look no matter what you feel, and this will purify your machshava.

Reu’sah deliba - Ahava, simcha, which means accepting life on life’s terms, on Hashem’s terms. Ratz Katzvi, one who is happy can run, yarutzu velo yi’afu… Knowing that He only has our best interest in mind and staying happy no matter WHAT happens in our lives.

Hashem helped me accept these 4 things. On 22 Tamuz to get up early and learn at least 20 minutes gemara, on vav av, shmiras einayim without cheshbon, no matter what I feel. And on erev rosh hashana the rebbe helped me understand simcha. And these 4 bechinos are the yesod of everything. And as soon as I understood that and passed a test in this regard on the first day of rosh hashana (which is a tikun on the previous year), my pain and suffering ended. The second day Rosh Hashana I finally felt ok, and I have felt ok ever since. The terrible pain of the past year, which began exactly a year earlier, was hopefully finally over. The worst of the pain was from Shavuos until Rosh Hashana. And I hope that it is finally behind me. But the irony is that it will only stay behind me when I no longer CARE. In other words, when I show Hashem I am ready to serve Him no matter HOW I feel, and that I will remain happy no matter what He does to me, because He knows best what is best for me, only THEN can he finally free me from the suffering. Because the suffering only comes to teach us this yesod.

How can Hashem ask of us yiras shamayim and ahavas hashem? These are emotions! The answer is simple to me now. Yiras Hashem simply means doing without cheshbon, no matter HOW we feel. And Ahavas Hashem means accepting Hashem’s will for us in all situations, even when it’s dark and painful, knowing that He has only our best interest in mind, and this is LOVE. Because how can you NOT love someone Who ONLY does what is best for you at ALL times?

As I wrote these words, I heard Meli singing (totally out of the blue) “ohavei Hashem, Yirei Elokim...”

And this is the secret of naaseh venishma. Mi gila raz zeh lebanai? What’s the big secret? The secret is that with this yesod we have found the treasure! Because Hashem hid the light in the Torah, but we can only get it if we know this secret. First do, without feeling, i.e yiras hashem, then tishma, you’ll hear and get the light.

And perhaps that is why the yidden consider night before the day, vayehi erev, while the goyim consider day first, because for them it will later be night, while for us, day. Yaakov chose olam haba over this world, not because it’s better, but simply because he knew the secret. Hashem wants to give, but we need to work first. It’s simply a matter of order, naaseh must come before nishma.

Mei’ashpos yarim evyon.

"Even ma’asu habonim", that which seems painful and nimas, that which is dry and seems without taam, haysah lerosh pina, it became the cornerstone upon which the entire building is built.

We needed to be in mitzrayim first to understand what pain means, and understand that if we are avadim to pharaoh it leads only to pain, and only then can we say naaseh venishma, to accept to be avadim to hashem and get the nishma later.

And we needed to follow hashem into the desert to be zoche to kabalas hatorah and eretz yisrael… Always the difficult first. That is the secret, mi gila raz zeh lebanai? And when we do this, we get two crowns, one for naaseh and one for nishma, meaning that the naaseh itself becomes sweet as well.

Olamcha tireh bechayecha.

And an even higher level is techiyas hameisim, because this requires real death of all ratzon before we’re zoche to techiyah. As the bal shem tov told his son in a dream, that to really serve hashem one must jump off a cliff and let all his limbs be ripped off of him...

Yomru nah yirei hashem ki le’olam chasdo, why not ohavei hashem? Because yirei elokim who work without understanding or feeling, bechinas yirah and bechinas elokim, are zoche to feel the le’olam chasdo.

Min hameitzar karasi kah, anani bamerchav kah.

Ana Hashem hoshiya na, because i am working without taam, then ana hashem hatzlicha nah, to accept the light and not lose it.

Hoshana lemancha elokeinu… when we are for you, mebichinas elokeinu, then save us for your sake, because we are for you, not for ourselves. We ask nothing for ourselves, and therefore we are ra’ui for hoshana.

Why are there so many mitzvos, why so much diversity in life, 613 mitzvos, thousands of de’rabanans, each day we need to fight anew to work without feeling until the feeling comes, children, wives, 90 years, work, etc. why can’t it all be a simple equation like it was with Adam. One mitzva, one work - and done? The answer is, it’s too hard to break our will in one shot. The millions of things we have to do throughout our lives allow us to do this very, very slowly. That is the meaning of ratza livros bedin, that din would agree to the chesed, raah shein halom miskayim, shitef eemo rachamim, he gave us the sweet ways of the torah, and a million ways to break our ratzon and work lemala min hadaas through emunah.

That is the secret of mekabeitz nidchei amo yisrael.

Why does gadol come before gibor and norah, avraham before yitzchak? Because olam chesed yiboneh, hashem wants us to know the siba of all of creation, al tikra be’hibaram ela bi’avraham, yet din is necessary to peel away the masach of the self, but since we can’t do it in one shot, we need yaakov, rachamim.

Hashem needs to be magen on avraham, because when he is mischased im kono and gives it all away, he gets it all back and then he fears that he’s lost it all again (like avraham feared after the war with the 4 kings). So Hashem assures him, I am your shield to protect you from ahava atzmis and losing it again.

It’s interesting that there’s water and water, there’s death and death. Zeh le’umas zeh. Vehamayim holech vechaser (Zohar pinchas - on the goyim, that is why we are me’meayet the korbonos on sukkos), mayim rabim lo yuchlu lechabos es ha’ahava - zohar, mayim heinu umos ha’olam… rak lesheitef mayim eilav lo yagiu. Mayim hamarim hame'arrim. Then there’s the sweet waters of torah, ke’eitz shasul al palgei mayim, vyimteku hamayim, etc… ויהי מבדיל בין מים למים

Then death: Yakar beinei hashem hamavsah lachasidav, ein hatorah niknis ela bemi shemeimis atzmo aleha, tzadikim bemisasam keryum chaim, le’umas: lo hameisim yehalelu kah, yasor yisrani… velamaves lo nisanani, reshayim kruyim meisim… Ki chilatztah nafshi mi’maves… eshalech lifnei hashem be’artzos hachaim…

Kemohem yihiu oseihem, those who want to be mamshich milemala lemata, which is what avodah zara is... le’umas sechel tov lechol oseihem, those who are mashpiah mimata lemala. Giving it all away..

Yirael bitach bahashem, because we don’t see it at first, but trust Him, because ezram - he will help and send the shefa so we can continue work, um’aginam that they shouldn’t lose it when they get it...