מוצאי שמחת תורה תש"פ

I had this thought on Motzai Simchas Torah and I hope it is truth. I really wanted to do Jew4Real and have the great honor to spread these 4 areas of kavod shamayim in the world. But how can I do Jew4Real if I’m not a Jew4Real myself? So exactly after coming up with this idea and working on it for 3 months and being full of excitement about it and desire to make it into a reality, I lost it all for a tekufa where I needed to transform myself in these 4 areas (1) Kedusha - shmiras einayim without psharos (2) Torah - learning Gemara at least 20 minutes a day (3) Emunah - to trust Hashem that He runs everything and all is good, even when things are dark (4) Chachma - Reishis Chachma yiras Hashem, to do without understanding, maasah, getting up before 8 am each day.

I had to go through a period of intense suffering exactly after working on Jew4Real for 3 months to finally accept these changes on myself, and b”h having kept these kabalos for exactly 3 months tomorrow (the learning and early davening… the others came a bit later). And I hope that perhaps now I will be zoche to be given back this great zechus from Hashem this year, after making GYE as good as I can in similar ways first.

I had been davening so hard for Yiras Shamayim over the last year, but aniyas teffila is often very painful. It took a lot of suffering for me to learn that Yiras Hashem means doing without feeling and without understanding. As Moshe said to Pharaoh after מכת ברד when Pharaoh was really starting to break…

וְאַתָּה וַעֲבָדֶיךָ, יָדַעְתִּי כִּי טֶרֶם תִּירְאוּן מִפְּנֵי יְהוָה אֱלֹהִים

But Hashem in His great kindness never gives us more suffering than we can handle, and never for too long at a time…

כי לא לעולם אריב ולא לנצח אקצוף כי רוח מלפני יעטוף ונשמות אני עשיתי

וְלֹא נָתַן יְהוָה לָכֶם לֵב לָדַעַת וְעֵינַיִם לִרְאוֹת וְאָזְנַיִם לִשְׁמֹעַ עַד הַיּוֹם הַזֶּה.